Tag: relationships

Face Time

Dec 22, 2012

I can remember a time when the landscape of the internet wasn’t dominated by all of these social media websites. It was a much happier place, and it is odd to think that this time was only a few years ago. However, we have now entered a period of change on the internet. It now seems like every man and their dog has an account on Facebook or some other social media network site. What many people aren’t considering however, is whether being a member of a social networking site may actually be ruining their relationship. Let’s take a little look.

Did you know that more and more divorce cases nowadays are citing Facebook as a reason for the destruction of the relationship? In most of these cases inappropriate behaviour on social networks is to blame. For example, many people are logging on to their spouses social media accounts only to find flirtatious messages to other people. People feel they can be secretive online because of passwords, not meeting face to face, etc., but it’s very easy to get caught.

I have also seen plenty of cases where people attempt to hide their relationship status for whatever reason. As you can probably guess, this is just going to lead to tensions. Perhaps because someone is arguing that their spouse is opening themselves up to relationships on Facebook. Sure, in some cases it won’t come to anything but why hide your relationship status? It should be something you’re proud of.

Another relationship breaker when it comes to social media is adding exes as friends. The main purpose of social media is to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in a while but in some cases adding old friends may not be a good idea. Your current partner may question why you want to be friends with an ex and may start to get insecure about your current relationship. Adding an ex as a friend is one of the top reasons for relationship breakdowns.

Many people don’t consider that it isn’t just what is on the website that counts. In fact, plenty of people create a fuss out of nothing. They believe something is going on without any proof that it is actually happen. Let me refer you back to the previous point, many people believe that because an ex is being added there is something ‘untoward’ happening. The majority of the time this will not be the case. As a result, this is going to create major trust issues within a relationship and it is going to break down incredibly quickly as a result. You will be surprised at how many people give this as a reason within divorce courts.

It’s not necessarily the social networks which are destroying relationships, its the people who use social media for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately the use of the internet and social networking sites has made it easier for individuals to behave inappropriately.

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Avoid Conflict After Work

Nov 25, 2012

In a perfect world, returning to your home, a place that should offer safety and solitude and being greeted by the love of your life, would go something like this: you walk in after a long day of work, throw open the door, run to your loved one and submerge yourself in his arms, breathing in the smell of his cologne and letting the troubles of the day melt away. What realistically happens looks more like this: You pull into the driveway after a hellish commute, fumble with your keys as your cell phone rings off the hook, your spouse is lounging on the couch and barely notices that you have walked in at all. It’s not long before the two of you embark on a bickering match that may or may not be justified. The art of learning how to avoid arguments after work is not complicated. It comes down to a few acknowledgements and some subtle adjustments on both yours and your partner’s part.

The latter scenario is the one that probably resonates with you. Your tense from the long drive, exhausted from the day and probably a little jealous that your partner is already home lounging. The nerve. It takes maybe moments for the both of you to go to battle and start picking each other apart, to the point where you aren’t even sure what you’re arguing about or why you are so mad.

This is more than a common occurrence for couples. We are conditioned these days to get more done in less time. While at work you are paid to take care of everyone else; your clients, boss and even play therapist to co-workers. Couple that will a nightmare commute, overtime and perhaps even being trapped in a job that you despise. It’s a recipe for disaster. Because it is not acceptable to lash out at work or look distressed, the overwhelming events of the day have been bottled up for hours. By the time you get home, you’re ready to release that venomous rage on the first “safe” person you see; your partner.

Human condition dictates that we let those whom are closest to us see the anguish, hurt, stress or pain we are enduring. Therefore we consider our partners to be safe people, that we can torment emotionally and take our aggression out on because we know they most likely will still be where when the storm blows over. On a deeper level, we know that they understand us, understand everything we have to deal with daily, and though we may be being unreasonable for the moment, we also know we will be forgiven. Besides, it feels good to yell and bicker sometimes. But regret at some point soon will follow.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could mirror scenario one most days and not have the arguments after work at all? Or at least on fewer occasions? There are some very simple things that can be done so that these arguments don’t become too frequent and damaging to your relationship over time.

Hold Up the White Flag

A white flag during times of war was a sign of surrender. The first 30 minutes upon your arrival home are very indicative of how the rest of the night can go. Declare to all parties that are home with you after work (partner and children) that for 30 minutes from the time you walk in the door, that you are off limits. Hold up your white flag. You are surrendering to yourself. You are giving yourself 30 minutes to decompress, change into comfortable clothing or maybe have a cup of coffee in silence before you engage in the activities for the evening.

By giving yourself these precious moments you will be able to lower your blood pressure, regain some composure and just breath, without having to deal with anyone else or their needs. It’s time for you. You can certainly walk in and say hello; then make a quick exit to another room and do whatever it is that will allow you to get into positive and relaxed head space.

Share and Share Alike

It is also a great idea for you and your partner (and kids if applicable) to set a time for all of you to connect. This could be over dinner, or while preparing dinner or set aside an hour after the kids are in bed. This time is designated for you and your partner to complain, whine and share your day’s events.

The key here is balance. Since you both (or all) may need to get some things off your chest, be respectable with your time, meaning don’t hog it all. Hit only the highlights of the day, ie. how your boss treated you poorly, the co-worker that hijacked your entire lunch hour with her own personal issues or the client that you just couldn’t please. Then allow your partner to vent as well. It may be that on any given day one of you will need more support than the other.

End the conversation with something positive so that you can set the precedent for the rest of the evening. And thank your partner for being supportive and allowing you to vent.

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Good Fight, Bad Fight

Sep 19, 2012

The theory that fighting can actually be a good thing in any relationship is one that is foreign and much debated by many couples. Of course fighting in excess differs from the occasional argument and therein lays the difference between a relationship that is healthy and one that is on the wrong track. Truth be told, there are a myriad of reasons why fighting is good for your relationship as long as the couple is not making it a habit and the fighting is fair.

It Means You Care

The occasional fight, even the knock down, dragged out ones are a sign that there is still passion and fire within a relationship. When thought about logically, arguing with someone shows that you still care about them, and what is going on, on some level. Once we lose interest in something or someone, we rarely have the energy or desire to fight for it and that is where many relationships begin to crumble.

Once a relationship has entered the ‘no talking, no fighting’ zone it is a good signifier that at least one of the parties has given up altogether on communicating or that they are simply resigning to being miserable in the relationship, and this is detrimental to any couple.

It Gets Things Out In the Open

Fights and arguments can happen for all sorts of reasons, but many times couples fight because they have kept things bottled up and then when it reaches the point to where they can’t rationalize the issue, a fight ensues. Not dealing with these issues is a quick way to drive any relationship into the ground. Nothing gets solved when things are not discussed and communicated, and arguing can be a proactive way to get these pesky issues out in the open and dealt with once and for all.

Without the Bad, We Wouldn’t Recognize the Good

That pit that one gets in their stomach after a fight, particularly when one or both parties have stormed off is our internal meter letting us know that we need the other person. In order for anyone to understand and appreciate the good things in life, we must have something to compare it to; enter in the bad times. Once we have seen the worst of our partners, we can also begin to better appreciate all the good in them. These bad times also help us appreciate all the good times that we share with that same person.

It’s a Release

Life can get complicated and hectic and sometimes we just need to throw a temper tantrum to release the stress and steam that builds within us. One of the reasons we are more apt to take things out on our partners is that we know that they are, for the most part, safe havens where we can unleash and unload our explosive emotions without the normal fear of abandonment that may happen with other people whom we aren’t in a committed relationship with.

Our partners can help us rationalize and compartmentalize these stressors and in the end, we love them even more because they offer support, guidance and advice.

There Are Lessons to Be Learned

In essence, arguments and fights provide an arena for us to know our partners better and come to terms with what they and we are willing to accept and compromise on, and what we and they are not. If done properly, fighting can be a great way to clarify misconceptions and repair hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Arguments and conflicts are sometimes necessary to get through to the other party that you mean business and need a resolution to an ongoing or new problem.

Healthy versus Unhealthy Fighting

There is a fine line between healthy and productive fighting and unhealthy. First, couples should not be fighting more than they are happy. Excessive arguing generally means there are deeper issues going on and they need to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Fighting should never get so bad that it turns physical. Regardless of how irate one becomes, if either of the people within the relationship feels the need to resort to physical abuse, that relationship is not healthy and should be ended immediately.

Fighting should never include berating or insulting the one you love. Although it is difficult to remain respectful, the effort should always be there to communicate what your issues and feelings are without dragging the other person’s dignity and self-worth through the mud. If need be, excuse yourself and take a few moments to calm down and collect your thoughts, and then revisit the argument in a more rational state.

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